A great weekend does wonders!

This weekend was great. The start of AF give me hope. I will say that it's quite different than all the AFs I've ever had on birth control. No cramps, no major headache, no low "heavy" feeling in my lower abdomen - just light spotting and dark in color. I only mention this because it might be useful for someone else going through something similar to know. It occurred to me that implantation bleeding is often described in very similar ways (http://www.justmommies.com/articles/implantation-bleeding.shtml), but I can't say I detected ovulation before this time, so I'm leaning towards it not being that.

Over the weekend I was, once again, reminded of how great my life really is. Jay is such a good husband and will make such a great dad. That's probably one of the things I'm most excited about in welcoming a baby into our family. We were setting in the office going over the buget and he was going on and on about some figures he put together in Excel (he loves that program), and I started to tear up. Hilarious, yes, but I love it when he makes "us" a priority.

It just occured to me that I have less than two weeks until my preconception check-up. I started putting togther a questions/research document that I hope to make public soon, in case it's helpful to anyone. Since my insurance will not cover any infertility related tests or treatment, my approach will more than likely be to request we do anything we can to treat an underlying condition I might have, such as PCOS or a thyroid problem. I'm also going to order some products online soon for helping to regulate my cycles and help increase the odds. I'll keep you posted on what I end up getting!

Here's to a positive, productive week :)

Please Lord... hear my call

The last day or so has been full of ups and downs. One minute I'm totally focused on gathering info and jotting down questions for my Drs appointment and the next I don't feel like doing a single thing - even sleeping seems taxing, as stupid as that sounds.

This morning after looking into our insurance coverage I found out, even though I pretty much figured, that it doesn't cover any infertility related testing or treatment. "41. for testing or treatment related to fertilization or infertility such as diagnostic tests performed to determine the reason for infertility and any service billed with an infertility related diagnosis." To Anthem and the State of Missouri - I officially despise you. And to think we actually moved a few years back from Illinois, a state that offers infertility treatment coverage. I certainly am not the first person who has encountered this, but it was
the first time that the financial aspect of it all set in and it lead me to tears.

Anyways... about a half hour ago, I went to the bathroom and... little TMI here... discovered a quarter sized glob of ewcm with blood streaks in it. It sounds so grose, but I starred at it because the blood looked like teenie tiny tadpoles at first. I'm sure I was just imagining that more than anything but it was odd. After reading, it seems this could be 1 of 3 things: sign of ovulation, sign of implantation, sign that AF is coming soon. If I was your average woman, I would be rooting or implantation, but at this point, I will take any one of the above as that means that I am somewhat normal. I'm going to do an OPK when I get home at lunch - hopefully that shows a spike in LH!

On my way to work this morning (my long 3 minute drive), I heard Casting Crowns "Praise you in this Storm" today. I love that song but at times like these it really means a lot to me and reminds me to keep my focus and put my faith in God to take care of this situation. Have a listen, if you haven't heard it before...

A Father's Day to remember

This was the first year that Father's Day has had a real impact on me. Sure, in the past this was something I'd share with my Dad but this day had never really hit home for me. For one, my Dad is in Iraq serving for the Army Reserves. It' s weird because I've never been extremely close to my Dad, but I miss him even more because of that. It was very hard to see him go back in February (my birthday oddly enough) because I feared that I might not ever get to have the kind of relationship I always wanted with him. This day was also huge for another reason... a reason I didn't even recognize until that day.

As we set in church that Sunday morning, listening to the pastor's sermon where he addressed men who "are fathers, are planning to be a father, or ever hope to be a father" my eyes filled with tears when Jay turned to me and said "maybe I'm becoming a father as we speak." What a heavy thing to take in. I keep telling him how I want so badly to "duplicate those eyes" and as much as I knew in my heart it hadn't happened, I just HAD to take a HPT that night. The possibility of me to be able to tell him he's going to be a daddy on a day like Father's day was too great to not try.

I'm sad to report that I didn't get the opportunity to say those words that day.

So, BDing has it's downfalls...

With every positive comes a negative. We've been trying to BD rather frequently in effort to increase the odds. We'll, too much of a "good thing" must have its drawbacks from time to time. Last Thursday afternoon I could tell something was different, but didn't think much of it. Then, that evening, a full blown UTI (urinary tract infection). A little TMI, I know, but hey, it is what it is. Couldn't get into the doctor until Friday afternoon, so I had to tough it out until then. It took a full dose of medication to get rid of that stupid thing.

I did learn several ways to avoid getting a UTI and they are:

• Wash both male and female "parts" before BDing
• Urinate as soon as possible after BDing to wash out any bacteria that might have worked its way in
• Do not use baby oil as a lubricant. I read this was a TTC safe lube like PreSeed (read: sperm friendly), but b/c of the UTI, it's not ideal.

So, there you go. Fun stuff, huh. :)

The gift of perspective

Here we go... more Dr. Robin! I love this girl. Today she spoke about what you can do to remind you of the "bigness" of life so that you don't become consumed with the moment. She says this is the way that we don't allow a single circumstance to tear our lives apart.

She recommends taking a moment in the morning, throughout the day, and before bed to just unwind and let things fall away, remembering that there is life beyond the now. Having a perspective on the present allows us to get through life.

I'm hoping my Thursday night yoga class is just the beginning of this! And this blog - it helps to clear my head and gives me hope that I might be able to reach out to other women who are, or who will, go through a similar situation. Everything happens for a reason!

Living while I wait

Wow. What a difficult thing to teach yourself, but it's so very true. I just heard a clip from Dr. Robin - I love my Oprah & Friends on XM Radio - and she was talking about how we need to learn to begin living while we wait, whether it's waiting on purchasing a house, waiting to finish school and so on. For me, this totally applies to our journey in conceiving. It's very easy to get so consumed by this whole thing and the next thing you know you've not been focusing on anything else. For me it's only been a little over two months, but I can already see this to be true.

So - my wake up call for the day is to "live while we wait." I really need to find something that feeds me daily reminders and add that one to it.

Baby? Bring it on!!

If you're reading this you're either a really good friend or family, or you might be someone who Googled something in regards to infertility and are seeking out information for your own journey. Whatever brings you here, I am greatful that you are interested in this chapter of my life. Let me also say that I have decided to blog about this as I believe it will end up being quite theraputic! I can already tell that this road, while I'm hopeful it will go smoothly, will most likely have a few bumps. I've been reading up on PCOS, something I already know I have that could cause problems, and that alone is pretty complex.

But I'm ready - we're ready actually - to be parents and are pretty excited about the thought of addding a baby to our family. After seven years of being married and working through finishing school, getting good jobs and now in a house that is big enough and in a good neighborhood to raise children, we really feel like things are falling into place. We even went so far as to take our long-awaited honeymoon/vacation to a tropical hidaway (Turks & Cacois was our destination), so now we're 100% good to go! I'm not even sure when the feeling came over us exactly. We've been working towards being at this place in our life for so long now that it definitely wasn't a huge shocker or anything, but it certainly was like "oh my gosh, I think we're actually ready for this"... that probably started happening this past winter. It also hasn't helped that our friends have all been having babies lately! Seeing them go through those changes definitely inspires you for sure! It's crazy how we all started being "ready" right about the same time. It would be pretty neat if it worked out that they could all grow up together. You never really know if we'll be living in St. Charles for all the rest of our life, but it could happen.

Anyway, I also wanted to include a little recap of my medical history, as I think it's pretty relavant to fully understanding our story. So, here go all the boring medical details...

My History... Our Known Issues...
Had an ovary and fallopian tube (same side at least) removed when I was 12. Have never ever had regular periods without the help of birth control, which I started when I was around 18, the pill actually, and never did like it. Changed my sex drive for the worse and was rough on the tummy. Stopped taking it for a year, approx. two years ago, and when I went in for my yearly, she noticed multiple cysts on my ovary thru a transvaginal ultrasound. I also had bloodwork done and was told by my doc at that time, that it didn't solidly reveal PCOS, but because of the cysts she wanted me to go back on birth control (this time I went on the Nuva Ring, which I really ended up liking more than the pills).

Fast forward to a year later, during my preconception appt, I learned that I DID in fact have PCOS last year, and still have it now, but was missinformed last year which is quite irritating! I continued birth control until April this year and immediately started TTC in May. Got lots of books and started charting my BBT (basel body temperature) & OPK (ovulation predictor kit) results on FertilityFriend.com immediately and am very thankful I did. My temp charts can be found here: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/207f6e.

Looking back, I wish I would have pressed harder for more info with regards to dealing with the PCOS, or sought out a second opinion, and tried to start natural methods to balance my hormones, rather than going back on birth control - but hind sight is 20/20.

In a nutshell, that's our story and what we know we're dealing with so far. We're really just trying to see if I am ovulating on my own and/or if I will have a period on my own, which is why BBT & OPKs are so important. Right now I hope we can just relax and not get stressed - we don't know for certain that we'll have problems, but we want to be proactive. Right now we're hoping to wait awhile before telling our parents or friends, simply because we want it to be a surprise! I think it would be so cool to see the expression on their faces after seven long years of waiting!