Almost... but not quite official

I know, I know. Make that week number two of not being a good blogger. I confess. My apologies! I've been preoccupied I suppose. Between either feeling unmotivated or busy with sudden projects, I've just not dedicated any time to this. But I'm back! And it's time to get down to business.

This is the week, as I last mentioned, that we wanted to put our deposit down for our August IVF. Seeing as how tomorrow is Thursday, I'm not sure if that will be happening. First it was that we didn't have our final fancy spreadsheet made (not to worry, it's about 95% done now). Then it was that we needed to check with CapitalOne (who we were going to get our infertility loan through), to see if we should expect a similar rate and approval amount to insure something hasn't massively changed. As of tonight (thanks to a few wonderful IF girls in my local infertility group), I learned that CapitalOne is no longer lending these types of loans due to the state of the economy. How wonderful is that. Like we need one more thing. I was bummed, but was assured that you can used a home equity line of credit for these types of things too (also thanks for that tip!... these girls are good!).

Our new line of attack - Pursue a line of credit
When I mentioned it to Jay, he nicely reminded me (my memory is horrible) that he already brought this up as an option before, but I was very adamant about not wanting to use our home as collateral on anything. Right. It's all coming back to me now. Yes, ideally, I'd still like to avoid this (it just seems so risky I guess), but if that's our only option at this point, then I suppose we need to consider it. The more he explained it to me, the more I suppose it's not as bad as what I imagined it to be. The rate is better than what we would have been getting with the CapitalOne option and we don't have to take it all out at once, but instead just take out only what we will actually need as we go along.

Another reason we're behind schedule is that Jay has been super busy this week at work with a new project that is wrapping up on Monday. He's been doing a little when he has time, but it's not been much. So, when I got home from my IF meeting, I wrote up a doc with local banks and credit unions and their HELOC rates/terms. Yes, I will be bugging the heck out of him tomorrow to make sure he checks into at least a few of them... bugging IS a wifely "right", right? :)

Ok, so after doing ALL of that (a lot of stuff to figure out in a matter of a couple hours), I checked back in with the docs I received several months back from our clinic. Specifically, I was looking to see when the IVF August cycle date was and when their "off" month during the summer way. Up until now, for some reason, I was thinking their off month was the cycle before ours - but, it's not. That was the May cycle. Which hopefully means August won't be *quite* as full already as I thought it might be. Which is nice, however their doc clearly states "We encourage you to put down a deposit two months in advance to the cycle you wish to participate in. A list of our cycles is outlined below. Final payment dates are also included." And just like that too :) I'm guessing that if it's important enough to emphasize, we ought to take it seriously. Then I read, "A refundable deposit of $2,000.00 is required to secure your cycle of treatment with SIRM and the deposit is applied towards the total fees. " which to me is nice because it tells me that we might be ok to go ahead and put our deposit down now (without having figured out all of our stuff precisely), because it is in fact refundable. Again, nice!

Now, onto IVF calendar stuff...
The August IVF cycle at SIRM St. Louis begins on August 17, 2009, which I'm guessing means I would start my first injection of Lupron that day. We will have to have our final payment in full submitted on July 22, so as long as we get everything ironed out well before that date, we should be good to go. I really don't know why I hadn't marked this day until now... I guess it never dawned on me that THAT would be my date and exactly what that meant. It's so nice to be able to mark something more specific on my calendar!

Maybe I should make one of those silly paper chains or something to count down... or would that actually be bad to focus on it that way? I'm going to give this one some more thought. I'd like it to be a preparatory/celebratory thing. Something fun - like looking forward to vacation. After all, it will cost about 3-4 times as much as our jaunt to Turks & Caicos last year did. Yikes!! Hopefully we'll have the best souvenir EVER to show for it.

"Thank You" Infertility!

Yahooo... it's our 1 year infertility anniversary! :P
Hey, you have to have a good attitude about it, right?

Really though, the cause for celebration should actually be that during our anniversary month we were able to make a decision that will get us one step closer to getting pregnant. I'll tip my glass to that. I'd REALLY celebrate if we won the lottery and it covered the cost of our treatment ;)

I can't believe it just dawned on me that this month marks exactly one year since we started TTC. I was looking back at old basal body temp charts and on April 21 of last year I recorded my first temp ever. Little did I know at that time we would be where we are today.

And, I must be in a spring-cleaning mood... today I was going through my e-mail inbox I found old e-mails I had sent myself, one with the subject "Pregnant belly dancing classes" and one titled "Make your own baby food"... those two were from the fall and winter of 07/08. :-) I had a good chuckle.

Looking back, do I wish I could redo this past year? In some ways, yes. I'm not going to lie. It's been a pretty strange year, full of ups and downs. There are times when I can honestly say I've felt depressed and alone. The latter part of that year, though, while it's still been trying, it has felt more like an uphill climb. Like it's been difficult, but that we've been moving in a positive direction and growing stronger.

Of course I would have loved it if we would have gotten pregnant on our first cycle, heck even the first six cycles, but we are where we are for a reason. That I am sure of. The world is so much bigger than my tiny little mind can fathom and God's will and purpose is wider than my little eyes can see. For a quasi control-freak, it's a constant struggle for me to be ok with that I must admit. I know it's true, but I pray constantly to be ok with it.

One thing's for sure - I have learned ALOT in the past year. Things I may not have grasped quite so quickly, if at all. Now, it's time for the "thank you's"... all the things that infertility has taught me this year.

* Patience is a learned trait. Boy has this given me a run for my money. "Are we there yet"... tehehee.

* Be your own health advocate. Don't walk into a Dr's appt thinking they know everything - that simply just not realistic and most often not true. They tend to know quite a bit, but not everyone is perfect.

* A friend in the darkest of hours is a friend for life. Not everything will always be rosey - life just isn't that way. Friends who stick around and support you through the tough times are people to truly treasure!

* Sometimes a good, ugly cry (as Oprah puts it!) can be a nice temporary fix! That's right, even more than talking it out at times. But keep in mind that it's often a temporary fix and talking it out with someone generally has to happen to make it better.

* No matter how much you want them to, some people will never be able to understand what you're going through. I can't tell you how much in the beginning I just didn't get this. There were a few people who I desperately needed to lean on and God is beginning to show me that He will place other people in your life to pick up where others leave off.

* It takes LOTS of really, really good communication to survive something so B-I-G! It took about 8 months or so before my husband and I really connected enough for it to make a positive impact on the situation. Every day we continue to grow more and more in this area.

* The desire to be a mommy is far greater than I ever knew! I always wanted to have kids, but now I want to BE A MOM! To have those warm hugs, genuine giggles and even the chance to do silly things like folding teenie tiny laundry. Maybe it's because I am having to work so darn hard for it, but I don't think I've wanted anything so great in my entire life.

If it takes infertility to show me those things - really and truly and that I wouldn't have "got it" any other way - then maybe this will all be worth it in the end. Of course, we're still praying and hoping our dreams do come true one day soon.

IVF in '09... back in the running?

Just as we think we finally have a game plan, it would seem as though God may have something else in store. As you well know by now, we have done a lot of financial analysis in these past few months to get an idea of just what we could afford with regards to infertility. One minute we were just sure we were going to sell our home - the next we weren't. Then we decided to refi... ok we've actually stuck to that and have been making some progress.

Which brings me to my first newsworthy item. Our house appraised for about 13,000 more than we had even hoped it would. Which, in turn, means we have the option to put less money down as equity when we redo the financing. And, guess what that means. We now have more liquid cash in our possession to put towards IVF treatments. Actually, the amount that we now have "left-over" is just about the same amount that my husband kept getting stuck on. The figure that we would have been able to save by waiting several additional months, which is why we were going to wait until January.

By this point in my post I should have added at least 10 exclamation marks!!!! after each sentence, but I'll save them for another day. It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that I'm being cautious. Anyone going through this knows that the higher you climb in your emotions, the harder you fall. I will say that we have a bit more talking to do and will probably try and make an appt. with our RE to talk about why he's recommending the 2 cycle package, vs. the 3 cycle/outcome based one. At this point I'm not sure he'll tell us anything new, but it will be nice to get the three of us talking. Maybe just hearing it come directly from him is what we need to firm up a direction. I will say that last night, when we sat down for a short time after my girl's meeting, I, for the first time in a long time, heard excitement in his voice about this whole thing. I think that's probably what bothered me the most about when we talked and "decided" to wait a few weeks ago. His heart just seemed so far removed from it all. I half wonder if he was being that way just because he felt it's what he needed to do in order to make, what he felt, was the right, head-strong decision. In any case, I am glad that our "everything" is back into this. Now, let's just see where it takes us. Hope to have our IVF month determined in the next couple weeks. Will it be August or January... TBD!

St. Louis Infertility Support Group
And can I add that still, after all these months, I totally enjoy and look forward to my girl's meetings! Being able to get together with other women who are battling infertility to listen to and share stories with is very releasing. I can't thank them enough! If you're reading this and are from the St. Louis area, feel free to drop me a note. I'd love to share more information with you about the dates and time we meet - anyone TTC with infertility issues is welcome!

Infertility on daytime TV, and me?
On another weird, but exiting note, I got a call from the Tyra Show tonight! A couple weeks ago I sent in my infertility story after coming across an upcoming show they're going to do. I figured the odds of me actually getting called was slim-to-none, but it was worth a shot. The woman I spoke with said that she was going to pass my info on to producers to see if they could work me into the show. We'll see if it amounts to anything. You're probably thinking - why? Why would you send your info in like that? The very idea that I could possibly share my story with other women and have them walk away feeling more empowered is just awesome. Simple things like how your cycle works, what really goes into being fertile and the things to look for and ask of your doctor so that when she is telling you to "relax" you can know that you need to move onto a new doctor. Other things like being an example of how many women need ART treatments to simply be able to have the same pregnancy chances that "normal" women do. In this past year of trying, we've only really had two cycles where we could have even had a chance, simply because I rarely ovulate on my own. Also, most of us do not have infertility insurance and, as a result, this will have a huge long-range financial impact on our families despite how hard we've worked and will continue to work to provide and save for our family. I don't think that law makers really get that. So, we'll see where that leads me!

PCOS Support Group St. Charles IES - First Meeting this Wednesday

I am really looking forward to this Wednesday! It's the first meeting for the newly formed PCOS Support Group in the St. Charles, MO area called St. Charles IES (Infertility and Education Support). Shout out to Meghan for organizing and leading this group :) (Yes, I just did a shout out :P). It will be great to meet other women locally who are going through a similar situation. I can't tell you how tough it's been for me not being able to really talk to very many people about what's going on.

Who you talk to and how you talk to those people can be difficult - I haven't told my parents yet because I really want to be able to surprise them, rather than have this be a stressful or "expected" thing for them. I did tell one of my close girlfriends, but she and her husband just had a baby and I'm not sure that she totally gets what I'm going through. The only person at this point who I've told and who has been super supportive is a good friend I work with. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have her as a friend. Even though she has never been through something like this before, she is always there for me when I need someone to vent to or bounce medical theories off of (ie. maybe "this" is what's wrong with me!). She definitely has never said "just relax and it will happen" and for that I'm very thankful. The whole "relax" thing sounds great and might be true, but you cannot relax when you don't have a plan or any idea about what's going on with your body.

If you live in the St. Charles County, Missouri area and wish to join or learn more about the PCOS Support Group, St. Charles IES, check us out the following ways:

Facebook: http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=21658117660
MySpace: http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=21658117660

Sites I Love

Here are some links I've found to be very helpful in our infertility journey.

Doctors

Dr. Peter Ahlering, with SHER St. Louis, MO - My Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).

Dr. Geoffrey Sher - Founder of SHER Institutes for Reproductive Medicine (SIRM).

Find an RE in your area - Enter your Zipcode and get a list of clinics in your area.

Vitals - Find or research a doctor.

IVF Clinic Success Rates - Check out a success rates and compare before starting treatment!


General Trying to Conceive Resources

Fertility Friend - Keep track of your cycles online. Offers a basic complimentary membership.

Ovulation-Calendar - FREE, downloadable ovulation calendar program for Windows.


Paying for Infertility Treatments

FreedomDrug Online Pharmacy - Cheap(er) Infertility Meds

Early-pregnancy-tests - Cheap(er) OPK & pregnancy tests, if you buy in bulk. Fast shipping!

IVP Care - Pharmacy that my clinic in STL recommends


Education on Infertility

FertilityJourney - Podcasts, General "What-is" type info on fertility.

Dr. Licciardi's (RE) Blog - Ask questions and get general infertility info from a practicing RE.

FertilityFriend - Learn about your reproductive cycle and start FREE monthly online charts.

Tears & Hope Video - A short video designed to help explain infertility to family & friends.

Resolve's Infertility Etiquette for Family/Friends - Helpful tips on what to say and what not to say to a couple who's dealing with infertility


Infertility Insurance Coverage

FertilityLifelines - Get FREE, confidential help on determining if you have infertility benefits.


Infertility Support & Forums

SoulCysters - A site specifically for people suffering with PCOS.

FertilityCommunity - A forum for all things TTC w/ infertility - lots of specialty forums as well.

IDreamofBaby - A forum for TTC, both w/ and w/o infertility issues, & pregnancy support.

Hannah's Prayer - A non-profit Christian support group for women dealing with infertility.

CafeMom - This is a TTC & Infertility Group. There are MANY more different groups available.


Infertility Blogs

Dr. Geoffrey Sher - Founder of SHER Institutes for Reproductive Medicine (SIRM).

Stirrup Queens - A wonderful resources for all-things infertility.

List of Infertility Blogs, by Category - Stirrup Queens well-organized list of infertility blogs.


Infertility Books I Recommend

Click any book in the navigation bar to the right to read more!


In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) Specific Resources

Due Date Calculator - Gives you a date based on your egg retrieval.


SIRM and/or Dr. Ahlering Success Story Blogs!

sefurlong.blogspot.com - Sara was a patient of Dr. Ahlering's at SIRM, St. Louis, MO

ahopeawishadream.blogspot.com - Jenny was a patient of Dr. Schultz at SIRM in Peoria, IL