Tuesday, April 21, 2009

"Thank You" Infertility!

Yahooo... it's our 1 year infertility anniversary! :P
Hey, you have to have a good attitude about it, right?

Really though, the cause for celebration should actually be that during our anniversary month we were able to make a decision that will get us one step closer to getting pregnant. I'll tip my glass to that. I'd REALLY celebrate if we won the lottery and it covered the cost of our treatment ;)

I can't believe it just dawned on me that this month marks exactly one year since we started TTC. I was looking back at old basal body temp charts and on April 21 of last year I recorded my first temp ever. Little did I know at that time we would be where we are today.

And, I must be in a spring-cleaning mood... today I was going through my e-mail inbox I found old e-mails I had sent myself, one with the subject "Pregnant belly dancing classes" and one titled "Make your own baby food"... those two were from the fall and winter of 07/08. :-) I had a good chuckle.

Looking back, do I wish I could redo this past year? In some ways, yes. I'm not going to lie. It's been a pretty strange year, full of ups and downs. There are times when I can honestly say I've felt depressed and alone. The latter part of that year, though, while it's still been trying, it has felt more like an uphill climb. Like it's been difficult, but that we've been moving in a positive direction and growing stronger.

Of course I would have loved it if we would have gotten pregnant on our first cycle, heck even the first six cycles, but we are where we are for a reason. That I am sure of. The world is so much bigger than my tiny little mind can fathom and God's will and purpose is wider than my little eyes can see. For a quasi control-freak, it's a constant struggle for me to be ok with that I must admit. I know it's true, but I pray constantly to be ok with it.

One thing's for sure - I have learned ALOT in the past year. Things I may not have grasped quite so quickly, if at all. Now, it's time for the "thank you's"... all the things that infertility has taught me this year.

* Patience is a learned trait. Boy has this given me a run for my money. "Are we there yet"... tehehee.

* Be your own health advocate. Don't walk into a Dr's appt thinking they know everything - that simply just not realistic and most often not true. They tend to know quite a bit, but not everyone is perfect.

* A friend in the darkest of hours is a friend for life. Not everything will always be rosey - life just isn't that way. Friends who stick around and support you through the tough times are people to truly treasure!

* Sometimes a good, ugly cry (as Oprah puts it!) can be a nice temporary fix! That's right, even more than talking it out at times. But keep in mind that it's often a temporary fix and talking it out with someone generally has to happen to make it better.

* No matter how much you want them to, some people will never be able to understand what you're going through. I can't tell you how much in the beginning I just didn't get this. There were a few people who I desperately needed to lean on and God is beginning to show me that He will place other people in your life to pick up where others leave off.

* It takes LOTS of really, really good communication to survive something so B-I-G! It took about 8 months or so before my husband and I really connected enough for it to make a positive impact on the situation. Every day we continue to grow more and more in this area.

* The desire to be a mommy is far greater than I ever knew! I always wanted to have kids, but now I want to BE A MOM! To have those warm hugs, genuine giggles and even the chance to do silly things like folding teenie tiny laundry. Maybe it's because I am having to work so darn hard for it, but I don't think I've wanted anything so great in my entire life.

If it takes infertility to show me those things - really and truly and that I wouldn't have "got it" any other way - then maybe this will all be worth it in the end. Of course, we're still praying and hoping our dreams do come true one day soon.

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The Swann's April 21, 2009 at 7:52 PM  

I'm so very sorry that today is the one year... :-( Must I say though that I am very excited that another major count down has begun until IVF starts??? :-) Perhaps you'll celebrate your 2nd "anniversary" while holding your baby in your arms. :-)

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