A great weekend does wonders!

This weekend was great. The start of AF give me hope. I will say that it's quite different than all the AFs I've ever had on birth control. No cramps, no major headache, no low "heavy" feeling in my lower abdomen - just light spotting and dark in color. I only mention this because it might be useful for someone else going through something similar to know. It occurred to me that implantation bleeding is often described in very similar ways (http://www.justmommies.com/articles/implantation-bleeding.shtml), but I can't say I detected ovulation before this time, so I'm leaning towards it not being that.

Over the weekend I was, once again, reminded of how great my life really is. Jay is such a good husband and will make such a great dad. That's probably one of the things I'm most excited about in welcoming a baby into our family. We were setting in the office going over the buget and he was going on and on about some figures he put together in Excel (he loves that program), and I started to tear up. Hilarious, yes, but I love it when he makes "us" a priority.

It just occured to me that I have less than two weeks until my preconception check-up. I started putting togther a questions/research document that I hope to make public soon, in case it's helpful to anyone. Since my insurance will not cover any infertility related tests or treatment, my approach will more than likely be to request we do anything we can to treat an underlying condition I might have, such as PCOS or a thyroid problem. I'm also going to order some products online soon for helping to regulate my cycles and help increase the odds. I'll keep you posted on what I end up getting!

Here's to a positive, productive week :)

Please Lord... hear my call

The last day or so has been full of ups and downs. One minute I'm totally focused on gathering info and jotting down questions for my Drs appointment and the next I don't feel like doing a single thing - even sleeping seems taxing, as stupid as that sounds.

This morning after looking into our insurance coverage I found out, even though I pretty much figured, that it doesn't cover any infertility related testing or treatment. "41. for testing or treatment related to fertilization or infertility such as diagnostic tests performed to determine the reason for infertility and any service billed with an infertility related diagnosis." To Anthem and the State of Missouri - I officially despise you. And to think we actually moved a few years back from Illinois, a state that offers infertility treatment coverage. I certainly am not the first person who has encountered this, but it was
the first time that the financial aspect of it all set in and it lead me to tears.

Anyways... about a half hour ago, I went to the bathroom and... little TMI here... discovered a quarter sized glob of ewcm with blood streaks in it. It sounds so grose, but I starred at it because the blood looked like teenie tiny tadpoles at first. I'm sure I was just imagining that more than anything but it was odd. After reading, it seems this could be 1 of 3 things: sign of ovulation, sign of implantation, sign that AF is coming soon. If I was your average woman, I would be rooting or implantation, but at this point, I will take any one of the above as that means that I am somewhat normal. I'm going to do an OPK when I get home at lunch - hopefully that shows a spike in LH!

On my way to work this morning (my long 3 minute drive), I heard Casting Crowns "Praise you in this Storm" today. I love that song but at times like these it really means a lot to me and reminds me to keep my focus and put my faith in God to take care of this situation. Have a listen, if you haven't heard it before...

A Father's Day to remember

This was the first year that Father's Day has had a real impact on me. Sure, in the past this was something I'd share with my Dad but this day had never really hit home for me. For one, my Dad is in Iraq serving for the Army Reserves. It' s weird because I've never been extremely close to my Dad, but I miss him even more because of that. It was very hard to see him go back in February (my birthday oddly enough) because I feared that I might not ever get to have the kind of relationship I always wanted with him. This day was also huge for another reason... a reason I didn't even recognize until that day.

As we set in church that Sunday morning, listening to the pastor's sermon where he addressed men who "are fathers, are planning to be a father, or ever hope to be a father" my eyes filled with tears when Jay turned to me and said "maybe I'm becoming a father as we speak." What a heavy thing to take in. I keep telling him how I want so badly to "duplicate those eyes" and as much as I knew in my heart it hadn't happened, I just HAD to take a HPT that night. The possibility of me to be able to tell him he's going to be a daddy on a day like Father's day was too great to not try.

I'm sad to report that I didn't get the opportunity to say those words that day.

So, BDing has it's downfalls...

With every positive comes a negative. We've been trying to BD rather frequently in effort to increase the odds. We'll, too much of a "good thing" must have its drawbacks from time to time. Last Thursday afternoon I could tell something was different, but didn't think much of it. Then, that evening, a full blown UTI (urinary tract infection). A little TMI, I know, but hey, it is what it is. Couldn't get into the doctor until Friday afternoon, so I had to tough it out until then. It took a full dose of medication to get rid of that stupid thing.

I did learn several ways to avoid getting a UTI and they are:

• Wash both male and female "parts" before BDing
• Urinate as soon as possible after BDing to wash out any bacteria that might have worked its way in
• Do not use baby oil as a lubricant. I read this was a TTC safe lube like PreSeed (read: sperm friendly), but b/c of the UTI, it's not ideal.

So, there you go. Fun stuff, huh. :)

The gift of perspective

Here we go... more Dr. Robin! I love this girl. Today she spoke about what you can do to remind you of the "bigness" of life so that you don't become consumed with the moment. She says this is the way that we don't allow a single circumstance to tear our lives apart.

She recommends taking a moment in the morning, throughout the day, and before bed to just unwind and let things fall away, remembering that there is life beyond the now. Having a perspective on the present allows us to get through life.

I'm hoping my Thursday night yoga class is just the beginning of this! And this blog - it helps to clear my head and gives me hope that I might be able to reach out to other women who are, or who will, go through a similar situation. Everything happens for a reason!

Living while I wait

Wow. What a difficult thing to teach yourself, but it's so very true. I just heard a clip from Dr. Robin - I love my Oprah & Friends on XM Radio - and she was talking about how we need to learn to begin living while we wait, whether it's waiting on purchasing a house, waiting to finish school and so on. For me, this totally applies to our journey in conceiving. It's very easy to get so consumed by this whole thing and the next thing you know you've not been focusing on anything else. For me it's only been a little over two months, but I can already see this to be true.

So - my wake up call for the day is to "live while we wait." I really need to find something that feeds me daily reminders and add that one to it.