I had already done the math ahead of time. There would be six other women, two of which were childless. I figured with me, it made three; a 3 to 4 ratio... not bad. I could handle that. It didn't take long for me to realize the odds had changed drastically - and not in my favor. One of the two I was counting on was now 16 weeks pregnant (found that out after I'd been there only 10 minutes) and another was pregnant with her second, quickly on her way to two being a mother of two, under the age of 2. That leaves myself and only one other girl without a baby, and that girl happens to still be in college and single. So really, it was just me in a class all of my own. Fabulous.
To make matters worse, the conversation for approximately four hours mainly consisted of exchanging baby stories, habits, wisdom or chatter of how the current pregnancy was going. And rightly so - I mean I would totally do that if I was in their shoes. But for someone like me, at only 45 minutes into it, I wasn't sure how I was going to manage to hold out the rest of the night. I love all these girls and am so happy for them, but it's diffucult at times to be an outsider and to have this tiny thought in the back of your mind that there's a small possibility what they're experiencing may never happen for us. Again, the most empty feeling ever.
As the night went on it did get easier. I decided to make friends with any baby that would respond to cooing, silly faces or a rattling toy. That part of the night was my favorite. It's so much fun to get on their level and interact with them - see what they're interested in and really watch their personalities come alive. I really can't wait for the day when I can just give one on one attention like that to my child. A child that I can kiss and cuddle and know that they are a part of my heart and who will love me unconditionally, just as I will love them.
I am trusting God knows these desires and has a plan for our life. I can't help but pray that our day comes soon! One image that He has burned in my mind, and I know it has to be for a reason, is of all of the sweet babies that are posted on the wall of our infertility clinic. As we walked past two large boards filled with photos I could almost hear Him saying,
It made me smile inside. I'm so very thankful to have heard that and to know he is leading us through this, whatever might lie ahead of us. I needed to post this as a reminder to myself, that even during these low points, God has a plan.