In celebration of my Dad returning from a tour in Iraq, me and my husband, my Mom, Dad and brother all went to Chicago for a short vacation. It was the first time I had been on a train since I was a little girl, and the first time I really had the chance to explore the city somewhat in depth. All in all it was fun to spend time with the family, do touristy things and have a chance to girl-talk with my Mom - everyone needs a good dose of that from time to time.
The unfortunate part of the trip was that hormones must have been getting the best of me. I was a real bear, let me tell you. I was frustrated over the littlest of things and have never wanted to curse or throw something through a window more than on that little vacation! By the last day I was really trying to be more aware of what would set me off and just retreat to my "happy place", hoping the moment would pass.
Ok, so maybe hormones weren't the only thing to blame. Some of my other issues I will let rest, as it's just not worth bringing up. I will say that I think things from the past few months have really just come down on me harder than ever before. While we seem to be getting closer to a path, or infertility diagnosis, I now feel the weight of life bearing down on my shoulders. How are we going to pay for this? Are we selling our house - if so, what needs to be done first? How am I going to make it through repeated self-injected shots? I could go on and on.
For some strange reason I felt this overwhelming sense of failure surrounding a lot of things in my life. Now don't get me wrong - I know I am quite blessed and have accomplished a good deal in my still seemlingly short life. In fact, I struggle with allowing myself to vent like this because I know so many people have far worse things to deal with. I feel so selfish sometimes. What is certain is that I can't continue to stress and overplan. Infertility is teaching me to take each moment as it comes. Some days this is easier than others though - this past weekend it wasn't easy. I felt a strong urge to invision, plan and make certain my life is going in the direction I so badly want it to go in.
I say all of this to admit that I need to resolve to have faith that everything is like it is for a reason and that God is in control of every situation. I need to believe and let go - allow myself to take one day at a time and learn to take care of my mental, as well as physical self.
I guess you could say that's my resolution for this year - to simply let go and be happy. I think I'll begin that by enjoying my 8 year anniversary with my husband tonight... a little birdie tells me he's planning a relaxing evening at home. A welcomed, much needed treat!