Thursday, March 12, 2009

Say it ain't so... looks like IVF will have to wait :(

Two nights ago me and the hubby sat down to go over, for the billionth time, finances. I could puke finances by now. The idea of money controlling my life just absolutely frustrates me to no end. Even still, my head tells me to consider it. Obviously, you shouldn't bring a baby into this world unless you're prepared to be able to feed it. After months and months of chewing over numbers - we finally laid out our options.

We are certain that we're doing IVF... it's just a matter of when. Do we:
1) Buy a two cycle package and start the first fresh cycle this August. Then, if that doesn't work, we would need to wait until sometime towards the summer or fall of 2010 to be able to buy another package...Or,
2) Do we wait until January of 2010 and buy a three cycle package all at once.

Note that in either case we would buy the stated # of fresh cycles, which also includes any frozen (FET) cycles that would come about as a result of the previous fresh cycle. Who knows if we'll have any embryos left over, but it's nice to know that those costs are included.

I thought it over some more yesterday and really feel like my heart is telling me August is the way to go. I was really looking forward to gauging what he was thinking. Let's just say it was the complete opposite of my view. He'd rather play it super safe and wait until January. Why? Well, by waiting those additional months we'd be able to save about $10k more and he feels like in an extreme circumstance where we get pregnant with twins, we'd be glad to have have the additional buffer.

So... how do I feel about this? Not sure if that question even needs a reply. It's given right?! My heart totally sank. Infertility has a way of making you feel so powerless. Here is this great big meaningful thing (adding another life into our family) and my body is completely taking away my ability to just go with the flow. And then, as if that's not enough, money is now controlling this whole situation simply because our health insurance system is screwed up and doesn't make infertility coverage available to everyone. Oh, and while I'm on my soapbox, my husband's job is playing a role too. This was a fantastic time not to convert him into an employee position AND to cut his salary by 10%.

What a strange powerless position. I guess when I heard him tell me he wants to wait until January it just was another dagger to the heart. I know that if these things weren't affecting us, he wouldn't want to wait at all, but the truth of the matter is that they DO exist and he feels that it would be best to wait. Most people who know me realize that I don't generally take no for an answer ;) (what an annoying trait), but in this instance I would feel awful trying to convince him of something he's not sure about on his own. Not this time. Not about something this major. It just wouldn't feel right.

I went to bed last night telling myself that the only way I am going to be able to make it through these next very long 11 months is to have lots of other distractions. Other things to put my energy and focus towards - otherwise, I really feel like I might not make it out of this thing with my head held high. These past few months have taken their toll on me. I've found myself not really caring at all about exercising, about going out and having fun or even doing regular things like cleaning the house. I'm ashamed to say that up until last Sunday, my house hadn't been vacuumed in 3 weeks. That is totally sick!! I wouldn't say I'm a complete neat freak, but that's just uncalled for.

I think I'll have a long talk with him tonight and lay it on the line. Things have to change. This year has to be a year of progress, fun and a chance to clear our heads and prepare for our baby in 2010.

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